Still Single, Searching, and Sick of It: Winning Over Loneliness by Adonis & Heather Lenzy

Dating in B&W BookBaby CoverI am excited to share the excerpt below  from chapter 21 of Dating in Black & White by Adonis & Heather Lenzy. I had the privilege of working with them on this book and if you’re dating or know someone who is, it’s a great read for “keeping relationships on target.”  Read after the excerpt for more about the book and the authors.

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Chances are that everyone has fought this battle at one time or another in their lives. It’s an emotional rollercoaster with the ability to take you on a journey in your mind, heart, and desires.

In an attempt to bring comfort and encouragement to Christian singles, the church coined a phrase that said, “Be single and satisfied.” The ironic part about that is the advice to be single and satisfied usually came from married people who had been married for years and had probably forgotten what it was like to be single. They came up with stuff like, “Fall in love with Jesus first and then love yourself.” Once again, I think this was an attempt to give a super spiritual answer rather than address the core issue of a single person who loves Jesus and themselves but was overwhelmed with a sense of loneliness and not being satisfied.

Loneliness is not a bad word, nor does it mean you are less spiritual and a weak Christian. It simply means that you have a desire to find that soul mate and spend the rest of your life with the person of your dreams. It’s like being content and discontent at the same time. You are passionate about God. You love yourself, but you still have a sense of being unfulfilled.

Don’t beat yourself up for feeling this way. It doesn’t mean that you are failing in your Christian walk; it means that you are human.

I can recall all my single years of battling the feelings of loneliness. I’m not going to lie; it was horrible. Wanting to find that special someone and spend the rest of my life with them seemed like a fading dream that would become less attainable year after year. The worst part was being around dating and married couples and seeing them so happy. When you’re single, every married couple appears happy. They’re not, so don’t rush your dating process to get there.

Still, seeing other happy couples magnifies your feelings of loneliness and sends you off on a tangent of desperately trying to find what they have. The older I got, the worse the feeling became. Unfortunately, I didn’t respond correctly to the feelings of loneliness in the beginning and, therefore, lost that battle several times. It drove me to enter relationships I had no business being involved in.

In my right mind, I would have never entered those relationships in the first place, but I was operating through the filters of my loneliness. I felt entitled to happiness. Others were happy and, by all means, I was going to be happy too.

I was so blinded to the fact that I was in a very vulnerable state in my life and I got involved in relationships without talking to God or others about it first. I ignored the advice of others who cared for me and saw that I was making poor choices and bad decisions. I saw their advice as something that was trying to take away my potential happiness. I went forward anyway and ended up going through situations that I never thought in a million years that I’d be in. Those relationships never brought me happiness and they actually ended up hurting me as well as others.

How to Battle Loneliness

1. Don’t be led by your feelings.

When your emotions get out of control, it becomes very easy to take a downward spiral into a pit of despair. You must gain control of these emotions quickly or they will cause you to make choices that you will no doubt regret.

This feeling often times comes along with the emotion of fear. The older you get, the more you start thinking that you better hurry up and find that right person before you are too old and it’s too late. This is where it’s easy to get into the wrong relationship. Your pursuit of finding someone should never be driven by fear. Don’t let the fear of never finding someone cause you to settle for the wrong one. Find strength and comfort in the Bible and begin to meditate on what God has to say about the situation.

In the Bible, God even tells us His thoughts on man being alone and His solution to this situation.

“Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone.
I will make a helper who is just right for him.’”
(Genesis 2:18 NLT)

There it is. God is fully aware of the desires we have to be with someone. In fact, He’s the one who gives us those desires. Despite the Christian lingo of being single and satisfied, it was never His intention for us to independently make ourselves happy. God never looked at Adam and said, “Don’t worry, Adam. I know you are alone but as long as you have Me you don’t need anyone else.” No, it says that God saw the man by himself and knew He needed to do something to deal with the man’s loneliness. So, God made a woman.

You have to trust that God is preparing that special person for you.

2. Don’t isolate yourself.

In other words, don’t become a hermit. Many times, singles become unaware that they are actually doing this. It’s easy to get frustrated if you haven’t had any success in dating. You begin to feel like a third wheel while hanging out with your friends who are dating or married. The tendency is to eventually give up, sit at home, and wait for God to bring that person to your front door. Chances are that will never happen unless the FedEx person knocks on your door and it’s love at first sight. I’m not saying that can’t happen but the chances are slim to none, with slim being out of town.

This is when you have to force yourself to stay active in your social life. Look for opportunities to serve at your church or in your community. Do whatever you need to do to stay around people.

If your church has a singles group that is active, then look into joining that. Now, I’m not talking about one of the singles groups that sit around all day talking about dating and finding the right person. I’m talking about a singles group that is all about building relationships, having community, and doing activities together. This will keep your mind in a healthy place and it may also serve as the very doorway that leads you to meeting that special someone.

Click here to order Dating in Black & White by Adonis & Heather Lenzy.

About the book

In a world where dating comes with many different emotions, methods, and opinions, it also comes with choices, decisions, and goals, which are all under your control. Social media and television have turned dating into a highly sexualized and overly complicated activity—a game of numbers. But it doesn’t have to be.

When Adonis and Heather met, they had no idea their journey would later serve as a roadmap for others. Adonis is a Pastor and Speaker, and Heather is a Forensic Scientist. Their lives, although polar opposite, shared similarities of relational mistakes and failures. Both wanting something different this time, they sought guidance. Through their dating process, they were able to establish values, principles, and practical tips that today have produced a happy, healthy marriage, such as:

  • Sexual Purity: You don’t have to sleep together in order to be together.
  • Accountability: Who’s got your back?
  • Expectations: What do you really want?
  • Communication: Talking through the good, the bad, and the ugly.
  • Having Fun: Dating should be fun! It’s all up to you.

Their moral and biblical approach, mixed with very practical steps, will create a different and refreshing view of your dating potential. No matter your past experiences or mistakes, it’s still possible to have a successful dating relationship today.

adonis-heather-300x236About the authors

Adonis Lenzy is a pastor, speaker, and communicator who has a passion to inspire others to live the lives they have imagined. With over twenty years of ministry experience, he truly enjoys encouraging others. He’s from San Antonio, Texas, and is a die-hard Dallas Cowboys fan. He also believes that nothing is more important than family. He loves spending time with his wife Heather and two children, Grayson and Kherington. He enjoys playing golf, eating BBQ, and drinking southern-style sweet tea. Heather Lenzy is a wife, mother, and a Forensic Scientist. She is from Wisconsin and is a die-hard Green Bay Packers fan! She enjoys quality time with family and friends, baking, golfing, giving relationship advice and has never met a dessert she doesn’t like.

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